- Look, Eric! Mommy got you a present! - A present? Is it a rocket racer?
No, let me guess! It's a Frog Man Dave Doll!
No wait, I know. It's a Police Power Chopper!
No, I got you something that's going to help you
win the big spelling bee tomorrow!
Mom, I'm not gonna win the spelling bee. I never do.
This year's gonna be different! Look!
I got you Hooked on Monkey Phonics!
What the hell is "Hooked on Monkey Phonics"?
It's a new way to learn how to read and spell.
And it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee!
It says we just put the cassette into a tape player.
Welcome to Hooked on Monkey Phonics! Level One.
I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat.
If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call
1- 800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. Ready? Let's begin!
The learning monkey is here to say that reading is easy and it's okay
Work with the monkey and you will learn
to spell hard words like "morbid" and "fern"
Start with card one, ready begin.
C-H... Chalk.
Good. Card two.
T-H... There.
T-H... There! Hey, this is easy!
I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!
All right, everyone!
Welcome to the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!
This should be very interesting.
We have with us 12 of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.
Kyle, Kyle, he's our man! If he can't win it,
- I'm out 50 bucks! - You bet money on my son to win?
Sure, when it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew!
- You're going down, bitch. - Shut up, fat ass.
Everyone knows I can spell better than you.
Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon.
And joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children,
Rebecca and Mark Cotswold!
- What? - Home-schooled kids?
- Who the hell are they! - Hey, that's not fair!
You can't let home-schooled kids into a public school spelling bee!
What's a home-school kid?
I don't know, dude. I've never seen them before.
Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!
Our first contestant is Mark Cotswold from home school.
All right, Mark, your word is "conscientious."
What? What the... does that mean?
Conscientious. May I have the definition please?
Closely attentive to details, careful.
Conscientious. Could you use it in a sentence please?
Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was conscientious.
Conscientious. C-O-N-S-C-l-E-N-T-l-O-U-S.
Holy crap!
- Way to go, Mark. All right. - Way to go, Mark. All right.
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman.
All right, Eric. Here is your word. "Chair." Chair.
Come on, phonics monkey! Drum! Come on!
- Eric! Your word is "chair." - Definition?
Something you sit on.
- Country of origin? - English!
Could you please use it in a sentence?
Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word is "chair."
Chair. C-H-A-R-E.
God damn it! How come I get the hard ones?
Get over here you son of a bitch phonics monkey!
All right, we're down to just three finalists.
First up is Rebecca Cotswold from home school.
All right, Rebecca. Here is your word. "Littoral."
Littoral. Definition?
Having to do with a lake or ocean.
Littoral. Will you please use it in a sentence?
Gary was most interested in the littoral features of Michigan.
Littoral.
L-l-T-O-R-A-L.
- Correct. - Wow.
All right, Rebecca! Good job, honey!
And now we have Kyle Broflovski.
- Here we go. Krocsyldiphithic. - What?
- Krocsyldiphithic. - Definition?
Something which has a Krocsyldiphithic-like quality.
Could you use it in a sentence?
Certainly. Krocsyldiphithic is a hard word to spell.
Krocsyldiphithic...
You can do it, kid. You can do it!
Krocsyldiphithic. C... Damn it.
You little bastard! You cost me 50 bucks!
Why don't you run away and join the circus
you stupid little son of a bitch!
Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca. You are truly South Park's finest!
Damn, dude, those home-school kids are smart.
Yeah, too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth!
- What's your name? - What's in a name?
Wow.
It was nice competing against you, boys.
- We will have to do it again sometime. - Oh yes, we must do it again.
We've never seen you before.
Do you live in the woods or something?
No, I live right over there. I've lived there all my life.
How come you don't go to school?
- Because I'm home schooled. - What's that?
My parents teach me. So I stay at home instead of going to school.
You what? Stay at home?
- All day? No school? - Right.
Who would have thought such a miracle could be
Who could have known that this moment I would see
A new way of living, a chance to be free
- Shut up, Cartman. - You shut up, butthole.
- You shut up, gay wad. - You shut up, ass logger.
Oh, my goodness. Are you two enemies?
No, we're friends.
Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.
- What? - Come, children.
Let's take our trophies home and place them high up on the mantle!
Dude, what a bunch of freaking nerdos.
- Poppa? - Yes, Mark?
Why can't I go to school with the other boys?
Well, because, son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous.
But I want to play with the other children.
Oh, how they laugh and play, Poppa.
Mark, you have play time. You get to play in the afternoons.
I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while,
- to see what other little boys are like. - Mark, public schools are no good.
Your mother and I were both home schooled
and we turned out much better because of it.
Please, Poppa. Just let me try it for a few days.
All right, fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school.
You can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is!
Hooray!
You don't want to go to public school, too, do you Rebecca?
Oh, heavens, no.
Well, thank God for that. At least my daughter will remain safe!
- Hi. Is... Is Rebecca home? - Yes, she is.
Can I talk to her?
Oh, well I suppose so. Rebecca?
- This little boy wants to see you. - Hello?
- Hi. - Hello.
I just, well, that's all.
- Who was that? - A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
Oh, no. I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea!
But the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children.
Yes, but now I think we may have
opened a Pandora's box that we can't close!
Okay, children we have a new student
joining us today from home school. Now, his parents are very worried
about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark?
Hey guys, what's up?
Dude, what's wrong with you?
Do you have some kind of John Travolta disease?
All right, children. Let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy
in a huge plastic hamster ball here and go on with our studies.
Now, who can tell me when
Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America? Yes, Mark?
Hey, how come you never pick me?
Because you never know the right answer, butt for brains. Yes, Mark?
The answer is 1492.
However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him,
including the Vikings and the Native Americans,
and therefore your question is a charade.
See, that's what I was gonna say!
Well, very impressive, Mark. You should be able
to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards.
Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground.
Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from?
- Put your hand down, cream puff. - That does it!
I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed!
I'm gonna be home schooled from now on!
You don't wanna be home schooled, fat ass.
I'm gonna be home schooled and leave
all the pain and suffering of public school behind me!
Screw you guys, I'm gonna go be home schooled.
Oh, please, God, let it be forever.
Come on, Pip, say it.
- Say, "Please hit me." - But if I say that, you'll hit me!
No, I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it.
If you say, "Please hit me," I won't hit you.
- Please hit me. - All right, let's try this again, Pip.
I don't understand. You seem to like that boy,
- yet hate him at the same time. - Hey, kid, get out of that hamster ball.
Oh, I promised my father I wouldn't.
Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your own.
You best do what he says, home school kid.
Why this is our part of the playground, see,
and if you don't follow our rules, well, we're gonna duct tape ya to the bench.
You mean you would actually duct tape my entire body to a bench?
- For what purpose? - Just get out of the hamster ball
or else you're gonna find out!
Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo.
Yeah, why, why you shouldn't be such a smart mouth Mr.-Know-it-All.
Oh, dear.
Oh, where could he be?
He should have been home from public school by now!
- I'm sure he's all right. - That must be him!
Oh my God, son!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Mark, what have they done to you?
Well, they duct taped me to a bench.
- But why? - I don't know, Mother.
- It didn't make any sense at all. - Well, you see?
This is what happens at public schools!
But I want to go back tomorrow, Poppa.
- What? - Please, just give me one more day.
- What do we do? - Well, if we're going to let him go back,
it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers!
Everywhere I go I'm thinking of you
Rebecca. I don't know what to do, Rebecca
You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better
So what do you say we get together
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca
Rebecca, you really are quite good-looking, you're a fox
Good evening, gentlemen.
If I could have your attention for a few moments.
My son Mark was beat up in school today by your sons.
I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons,
and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy.
- Look, Mr... - Cotswold.
Mr. Cotswold. We can't completely control what our kids do socially.
That's for them to figure out on their own.
Well, obviously they need to be coached a little better.
And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl.
I would like you to tell him to stop.
Hey, my son is just discovering love.
Maybe your daughter is, too. They need to know about that stuff.
Oh, hello! My girl is eight years old!
What does she need to know about love?
Well, something. I mean, you can't just wait until
she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once.
I will not tell you how to raise your children
and you will not tell me how to raise mine.
You want a beer or something, Cotswold?
No, I don't drink beer. I just like wine coolers.
You what?
See ya, Cotswold. Thanks for stopping by.
Yeah, see ya.
I can't even get her to understand. It's like she's from another planet.
- Can I sit here with you? - Oh, man, if you have to.
Attention students. Don't forget that this Friday night
is the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.
We will have a very special band performing, so please come early.
Hey, that's it! The dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Dude, what happened to you? You're a total wuss now!
Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him? Is he not your friend?
Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We rip on each other and stuff.
I see. It's like you have to mark your territory as a boy.
- You have to socially find your place. - What?
- Enjoying your lunch nerdo? - Sticks and stones may break my
- bones, but words will never harm me! - Oh, dude, you don't say that!
- Huh? - Get him!
Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.
Yeah, I wonder how Cartman's doing with his home schooling.
Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
Not right this second, Mother.
- Put them there by the door. - Oh, all right.
- Mom... - Yes, hon?
Could you turn up the heat just a little?
Sure, hon.
Dude, home schooling rules!
- Oh, hello. - Oh! Rebecca.
There's this dance, see, at the school, and...
Hey, would you like to come up to my room?
- Huh? - Would you like
- to come up to my room? - Okay?
I'm sorry, son.
There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies.
We have to pull you out of public school.
Oh, Poppa. Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?
All right, you can go. But I'll be there to supervise.
- All right. - Mark, where's your sister?
She's upstairs playing doctor with that Kyle boy.
- Oh, all right. - What?
- Rebecca! - Rebecca!
Don't play his perverted games!
I have to extirpate a lesion in his cerebral cortex
or risk infection to the synaptic responses.
All right, Rebecca, but it's time to start your home schooling.
Rebecca, there's this dance, see.
The South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.
And I was wondering if you want to go?
All right, I guess I'll go.
- You will? - I guess. Are you gonna go?
- Maybe, I'll see you there. - No, no. I mean go with me.
Oh, I'm sure father will give me a ride.
Eric, I got you a new history textbook. Why don't you come downstairs?
Not right now, Mom.
Eric, please. We have to do some studying today.
I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with the phonics monkey.
Hey, fat ass. How's home schooling going?
Oh, it's so sweet, you guys.
Well, get your ass out of bed.
We have to go deal with that home school kid.
I can't. I'm too tired. Maybe tomorrow.
But the big dance is tomorrow
and all the guys are gonna duct tape him to a flagpole.
That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to that.
No, phonics monkey!
That's a bad phonics monkey!
Oh my God. Phonics monkey killed Kenny!
You're damn straight he did.
- You got my note? - Of course.
You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?
- Can we sit down? - Why not?
Isn't Poppa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town
at that flicker of light over there?
I have looked at it.
Well, that's a public school and in it, there are children, just like us.
How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
From public school, your house is just a flicker of light.
Don't you want to go out?
All you do is stay in your house and study.
Well, what else would one do?
- Love, for one thing. - And what is love?
Love is the most important thing on Earth.
When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
- What means "kiss"? - When a man and a woman feel love,
- they put their lips together. - Oh, you mean a mate.
When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate.
In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
You certainly come from a silly place. Still, I should like to try this kiss.
So I could write about it. How do we do it?
I'm not completely sure.
- Should we look it up? - No, I think it's just something
you have to try a few times until you get it right.
Wow! Wow, that was fun!
- Does that mean you'll go to the dance? - You bet your sweet ass I will!
All right. Here's the plan. Tomorrow night at the dance,
when none of the chaperones are looking,
you guys go grab Mark, bring him out here.
And then we're gonna duct tape him to this flagpole.
Are you sure? He could be out here all night on the flagpole.
- That's the point, butt pipe! - Don't call me a butt pipe, butt pipe!
Well come on, we gotta go buy us some more duct tape!
- Hooray! - Hooray!
All right. Here's the plan.
All we gotta do is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow.
Why do we all wanna chaperone the dance?
Because Cotswold is gonna be there.
And when he shows up, we all grab him,
bring him out here, and duct tape him to the flagpole!
The flagpole! That's great!
- Come on, we gotta buy more duct tape! - All right!
Dude, we're gonna go duct tape that Mark kid to the bleachers.
- You wanna help? - I can't.
I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
- Oh, brother. - Don't you, "Oh, brother" me!
She's the woman of my dreams!
- You suck now, Kyle. - You suck.
Boys and girls, can I have your attention please?
This year, we have a very special guest
performing the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.
He was a musical force in the '70s and '80s.
Please welcome, Ronnie James Dio!
Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?
I said, are you ready to rock?
- Sure, I guess. - Then, let's hit it!
I know you'll all remember this one. It's off my first solo album.
The song that you all helped me make number one!
Holy diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Hey, there he is. There's the home school kid!
Come on, let's go duct tape him to the flagpole.
Hey, isn't that the home school kid's sister?
Hi, guys!
Holy cow!
Hey, baby. Come see me later, okay?
What the... Damn, baby!
- Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out? - Rebecca, you...
Rebecca! What the devil are you doing?
- I'm having fun, Mark! - Oh, goodness!
You're out of control! You did this to my sister!
- All I did was show her how to... - You made my sister into a slut!
I'll kill you!
You bitch! I'm gonna whoop your bitch ass!
Oh, my God!
Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Yeah, he's a bad ass!
- All right, all right. That's enough, boys! - I'm not through with you, bitch!
- Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. - Yeah, that was real bad ass
how you stood up for your sister. I'd a kicked Kyle's bitch ass too.
You wanna go have some cake with me, Mark?
No! He's my friend!
He said he'd hang out with me!
- They've got to be here somewhere! - Hey! There's Cotswold! Come on.
- Let's duct tape him to the flagpole! - Yeah!
Where are my children? I'm taking them out of this God forsaken place!
Calm down, Poppa. Everything is all right.
You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking
in education, but it's the main place where children learn
all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills.
They have to learn them themselves. And the only place to do that
is on the playground, in the cafeteria and so on. Don't you see, Poppa?
That's what happened to your daughter.
You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual,
and now look at her. She's a goddamned whore, Poppa!
She sure is.
I know letting your kids out into the world is scary.
I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us.
But bad things will happen
and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things.
Mark, you're absolutely right. Okay, children. If it's what you want,
you can start going to public school!
All right!
Nice speech, nerdo.
- Thanks, gay wad. - Now you're getting it!
Well, come on guys, if I'm not mistaken,
we still have someone to duct tape to the flagpole!
Hooray!
See ya, Poppa!
Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids!
Now let's dance.
Holy diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh, what's becoming of me
Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes, but you know he's clean
Oh, don't you see what I mean
Gotta get away
Holy diver
Yeah!